Burke Williams? Can I please have a word with you?

Yeah. Hi, Burke Williams Spa? Hi. My name is Robyn. I got a really nice gift certificate to your salon for Christmas. I had heard so much about you that I was very excited to set up my appointments and redeem my gift cert. So I went in there on Saturday night. Um. Okay, first of all, if I'M the idiot who didn't know that Sat nights are known for being LESBIAN night, then I kind of forgive you for me being caught up in that shit. It was super uncomfortable for me. Mostly I hid out in the dry sauna room since it seems to me that the LESBIANS hung out in the Eucalyptus Steam Room because you cant see SHIT!!!! It was dark and "mysterious" in that room. NOT interested. Nope. Not for me, thanks.
Anyways. Some of my main concerns were as follows:
Why do your towels and robes feel as though they were made out of newly bought sand paper? and not even FINE sand paper. The ROUGH, larger grade shit! I mean, you put your own name on the towels! Why? I would be ashamed to have my name on that shit. It practically hurt to put my robe on! Jesus!
Okay, I know I am a bit of a freak but I couldn't even enjoy the hot tubs. Once I saw the older LESBIANS with the huge hairy bushes (BW is "European style" and therefore, clothing is optional) get in, I was OVER it. I won't go in a hot tub anywhere or under any circumstances, but I just felt the big ass hairy bushes added to my disappointment in you. I don't need to see grey (or other) pubes just floatin' around in the tub. Eeeeeeesh!!!!
The final straw was when I saw this black chick just walking around with her fucking WEAVE in her hands!!!!!!! Well, I guess it's not a "weave" if it's a straight up WIG! Still, it was sooooo weird to see this bitch just walking around like it was nothing that she had a wig on!
I hate to sound ungrateful for my Christmas gift. I'm totally not! I was looking forward to my time at BW. But their standards are just too lax! No more, BW. No more! That shit was SICK!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! UPDATE TO THIS POST:
A friend of mine read this shit and then told me that at the BW I went to, if you wear your locker key on your wrist (or was it ankle?) it means you want a "happy ending" and I guess they will give it to you! I was like "That's just for dudes, right? Cause it could take a chick like a half an hour!" and she said its for BOTH! Holy shit. I'm glad I put that damn key in my Sand Paper Robe!!! Eeeeesh! I nearly escaped being raped by a broom at this place. For reals.